Crypto is crashing but it’s all going to be OK, OK?

Selina Johansson

Not sure if you’ve heard, but things aren’t going so well in the land of crypto. No we don’t mean the Cryptoland otherwise known as the Fijian Fyre Festival of crypto, we mean the land on the internet where laser eyes and rocket emojis and Y chromosomes proliferate.

As we write this, the “market cap” of crypto — a rather absurd metric as we have said many a time but the metric that is used nonetheless — is just half of what it was just two months ago, around the $1.5tn mark. A halvening, if you will, but not quite as advertised.

Bitcoin, the king of the land, is changing hands at just over $33,000 — about 51 per cent down from the record high it reached in November. Ethereum, the wise sage, is trading around $2,200 — about 54 per cent down since November. Dogecoin, the court jester, is under 13 cents, having lost 82 per cent since May. Meanwhile Elon Musk, the omnipotent technoking, is throwing around terms like “crypto scammers” as if Tesla hadn’t bought $1.5bn of bitcoin; or the car company wasn’t accepting Doge as a form of payment.

It has, essentially, all gone Pete Tong.

But, pah! Everyone knows that crypto goes through several such “corrections” every year. Let’s look at the bIgGeR pIcTuRe here. Given that this is a market that will obviously continue to rise for perpetuity, what difference does a halving or a halvening really make in the grand scheme of things?

We all need to make sure we have a zoomed-out mindset. (But on a log scale, of course.)

And even if you do believe the market is in fact collapsing what does it matter? It’s only silly magical internet beans that people buy and sell because it’s fun, putting in only what they can afford to lose. Right?

That’s from the president of the nation state of El Salvador, yes. El Hodler “bought the dip” again on Friday. The country’s $800m of 2025 bonds now trade at 59 cents on the dollar, for a yield of 26 per cent. This time last year, before the Central American country started accumulating coinz, they traded at 92 cents.

Over at Coinbase, shares are down 42 per cent from the company’s April 2020 IPO. MicroStrategy, the $3bn software company masquerading as a bitcoin investment trust, is down 45 per cent over the past 6 months. In pre-market both are continuing to slide into the red.

Video: Where crypto ‘anarchy’ will end | Lex Megatrends

But the thing that must be remembered is that this is not actually a crash, of course, it’s an opportunity to buy the dip. And whatever action the Fed takes next, whatever global events — good or bad — may occur, quite literally everything is good for crypto. Take a look at this chart that was doing the rounds in the land of crypto (and Zerohedge) on Sunday night, from a blog post with the title “All possible Fed policy tracks still lead to Bitcoin”:

As the writer explains:

No matter which way the Fed goes, the game theory calls for more capital moving into crypto. In this Lockdown Era of unelected bureaucrats and career politicians perpetually moving the goalposts on your autonomy and economic sovereignty, Bitcoin is truly the only inalienable property right standing.

So while the nocoiner NPCs suffering from monetary Stockholm Syndrome gleefully celebrate Just Another Crypto Correction, remember to zoom out and keep the big picture in mind. We aren’t dealing with an asset bubble in Bitcoin, we’re dealing in a collapse of the global monetary regime, the decentralised revolution and the obsolescence of the nation state.

Nocoiner NPCs. Don’t you just loathe them?

To sum up: what everyone needs to do right now is to keep a cool head. Because yes, the platform that you’re trying to withdraw your money from might be experiencing sudden technical difficulties, and yes, you might have lost half your money if you got in a couple of months ago, but the OG HODLers who got in at $200 or whatever are starting to hurt a bit too and we need to keep in mind the equitable future of money free from the yoke of evil fiat fat cats that they all deserve. So BTFD, keep these OGs in their Lambos, and like, focus on some inspirational quotes or something.

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